“I DID NOT FAILED ENGLISH” With Rev Canon Chinemerem Uche

When you hear of the poor performance of today’s graduates in the English Language, do not narrow your mind to young people. Our graduates and under graduates include also those engaged in continuing education even at old age. Most of these “adult education” graduates and students have very stunning way of reinventing the English language. The advent of the electronic media and internet has fuelled a lot of inventions in English language and its spelling. The short message service of the GSM has made some lose touch with communication skills. What is most stunning is that peddlers of these funny and neo-grammar are so serious about it, revealing that they are totally ignorant about the verbal tsunami.   I was privileged to help a Lecturer compile the results of those being examined and was stunned by the way some students answered the examination questions. One of them responding to the question, “What is public relation?” began his answer this way: “Dear Madam, thank you very much for this pertinent and well deserved question. It shows how good and motherly you are. In fact of all the lecturers in this university, you are one of the best and God will surely reward you. Before I answer the great question, let me first of all ask about your husband and children, praying and believing that they are swimming in the ocean of good health. Now to answer your question, public relation is simply all your relations who come out in the public. For instance, the brother of our Governor can say that the Governor is his public relation. (Hold your breath, please.)

When I opened another script to record the scores, curiosity led me to read. This time the student just neatly copied out verbatim the entire question paper. Including the name of the school as indicated in the heading of the question paper and the number of hours allocated for the examination. Then the student finally wrote: “Dear Auntie, tampa joestice with Messi.”

finally I decided to read one more and got the shocker of my life. Read this student’s definition of public relation. “Public relation is itick, idam igbe oshe abe edo iba inua adhal aje…” that was all that the student wrote! My question is, “Who gave these students admission? How do some of them eventually graduate from the university? Where will they work and what quality of work will they churn out if they eventually get employed. You might say they do not get employed; most of them do, especially into civil service. (I am waiting for your reaction to this, send me a text.)

Sit back and read through the letter written by a man with political ambition who is studying Government and Political Science (part time) in one of the tertiary institutions. He wrote this letter to reply his critics who posited that his “English Grammar haulage is unprecedented” and would definitely be his undoing in his bid for political glory.

“To be honext with you I did not failed in English. How can you tells me to stop waisting my time going to school, I am an imbecide? You no very well that when eat comes to English Grandma, I am the best. Stop listening to all this bestless roomor that people are pedaling about me. For your information, I plan to contest the 4th coming erection in 2015 and I will wean all my political distracters who do not wish me well. Bye the way, you no me very well, in school you can all beer me weakness that I so spoken well in English that my nic name is “Grandma Haulage.” I have taked time to check the meaning of this in the thisionary and it means from all I have gadered that I am like a big trailer that carryed a lot of English.

By the time I wean the erection that INEC will condort, I will raise emotion in the house for piple like us to be awarded doctored degrees because popular people like us that attract huge followers should be awarded accordingly. I would have attended the hearing by the house of rapes on the educational reform but my car breaked down on the way and I hard to haya toyin van to toll my vehicle. I wanted to have upportunity to re-art to the inpitchment of Murtala Nyako. Dose who okestrated his impitchment have rilly mothered slip. This is so becawse they will rip whot they have sewed. I intend to travel to Adamawa to pay him a comodoreless visit.

On the condition of your fada in the hospital, I was realy very annoyed for you. You have suffered more than too much. Wen I got to the hospital I learn that his case was too much that they admitted him to the mortuary. I wish him safe recovery. I gave your murder his favorite bear which he has been asking me to bye for him so that he can votu for me. Rimemeber that I promised to bye craydit for your murder to help her in her fone calls. Don’t warri, about everytin, there is God.

This this is to also let you no that I did not allow dose rascals to rubbish my e-mage. I went boldly to that shaymless woman who was behynd my failure in the party primary and said to her, “whot the hail are you tucking about, I have never e-vaded paying my tas. I have every resit of payment with me. That was how I was cleared O! -to contest again. In this country, if you don’t have open eye and money you cannot go far. How do you think I have managed to get to final year and ready to become a graduate? My only regreat is that I did not go to school early enof because I choose to trade in motor spay pats.

Thank you for given me this upportunity to reply my political distractors, I assure you that the 4th coming election will be pissful, frii and firm. All dose who wish me bad will be maked to it the humble pie.

I am yours sincerely, Chief Onyeihenagarankoma, AKA, Grandma Haulage.



About the author

Christian Voice