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Naija Jaw breakers

With Rev Canon Chinemerem Uche

Nigerians though may be passing through economic hardship and some level of sectarian violence, but this does not really stop us from manufacturing rib cracking jokes to ease of tension. Let me use this period of uncertainty in the take off of the new government to dole out some rib crackers. A Nigerian guy living in Sweden smartly married a Swedish lady, so as to be legally certified with resident permit, but the lady was not aware of this. He lied to the lady that he is from Kenya because of the bad reputation of Nigerians in that part of Sweden. After their wedding, the lady returned home one day and informed the guy that she met her friend, a Swedish lady also married to a Kenyan and will like them to have a dinner together. The Naija guy was disturbed and kept thinking how he will get out of this dark spot. He postponed and postponed the proposed dinner until he got tired of postponing.

Finally, the d day came and they all sat down in a restaurant. Our Naija guy was quiet and was sweating profusely in spite of the cold atmosphere of Sweden (-8C). The ladies asked their husbands to communicate in their local dialect since they are both from same country (Kenya). The Naija guy being a man of great savvy decided he will just speak Igbo, if the other guy didn’t understand, he will claim that he is from another tribe and region in Kenya.

Then he started “Nwanne awum nwafo Owerre, Owerre Nchi ise, I wu kwanu onye olee, daa?”   The other Kenyan looked up and replied “Ah Nwanne, ekele diri chineke, onye na asuru ndigbo uzo ha. E chekwam na enwelam nsogbu taa. Abu dim nwafo Mbaise. Nwanne birikwe-o!” They shook hands and embraced each other to the admiration of the ladies. Igbo Kwenu!! (I got this from the facebook status of Olutoyosi Omotoso). A woman was travelling from Lagos to Calabar after the traditional “omugwo.” She had just finished helping the daughter to take care of her new born child but excused herself home due to fever. Her daughter made every effort to take her to a hospital but she refused claiming that oyibo drugs do not work on her. Her fever continued and her daughter had no option to let her go home and drink her herbal concoction. According to her, she was having malaria and she needed to go home to detoxify herself of township food. Because her fever was intense, she decided to accept a Panadol medication from her daughter.

When she boarded, the bus to Calabar, she said to the driver, “My son, driver, if you get to Bini please make me know O! I get something very important to do at Bini.” She also turned to the passengers and said, “Abeg, make una help me remind the driver to stop for Bini O! I no know road O!” The passengers on considering her age all agreed to help her. Unfortunately she slept off; other passengers forgot to remind her that they had gotten to Benin City. The driver forgot too! Four hours after leaving Benin City, the woman woke up and asked, “Abeg driver we don reach Bini?” The Driver exclaimed, “Chei! Chei! Mama, which kind winch be this? We don pas Bini since!” The old woman began to sob and cry. The passengers took pity on her and begged the driver to return to Benin City for the old woman’s sake. Some of them contributed money for the extra fuel and the driver reluctantly agreed and reversed back and headed to Benin City. When the luxurious bus got to Benin, the woman stood up, reached out into her handbag and brought out two tablets of Paracetamol, drank it and said to the driver, “Driver thank you wellu wellu O! Oya make we continue back to Calabar. My daughter tell me say if we reach Bini make I drink this melecine. Oya, make we de go back to Calabar, I don drink the melecine! -(I got this inspiration from Queeny David’s staus on Facebook).

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