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WITH LOVE FROM THE “BUKA” JOINT

With Rev Canon Chinemerem Uche

Okoko: Madam Sweetplate please give me a full plate of fufu and egusi soup, put kwomo wey curl up to five rolls like jerry curl, eheeem, put about three wey thick like the lips of Okonjo Iweala. Then put fokpu-fokpu wey get protruding belle like Obasanjo, make sure you add shaki wey you commot for inside stew, no put Boko Haram shaki O, that one na atakata elo! Just put shaki wey boil well, well, the one wey him heart soft like Goodluck Jonathan… then bring am with one bottle of Gulder and small stout wey I go mix am with. The drink must be cold like dead body O, because I wan cool my temper.”

Okon-Eya: All these description for just one plate of food? Why you no include Buhari for the description?

Okoko: Unless you want to eat indomie or drink tea without milk and sugar. Oya make I show you say Madam Sweetplate knows Naija slang well, well, eem, Madam Sweetplate, do you have a plate of Buhari with the Osinbanjo thereof?

Madam Sweetplate: Oga, you know say that one na special order. My indomie don finish and I never boil hot water for tea O!   Besides no be every customer de like tea without milk. This one you wan chop Buhari, you wan do sports?

Okoko: Sports wetin? I follow them chop Government money? Na only those wey loot money de chop Buhari, so that them fit run when EFCC come de pursue them. As indomie slim na so Buhari slim, the man no send O! Ask am how we go win world cup, him answer na ‘kwite corruption.’ Ask am how we go construct road, na ‘kwite corruption.’ The solution to every thing na ‘kwite corruption.’ Even how them go bury dead body, the answer na ‘kwite corruption!’ The man de try shaa.

Okon-Eya: O goodness me! You people will finish me in this place. Come O, Okoko, how will you pay for all these things you are ordering…?

Okoko: [Lowers his voice] Sharaap!! No spoil business for me here, you know say our Governor never receive bail out, make the food enter stomach first before payment, abeg just keep quiet if you no want chop.

Okon-Eya: Madam Sweetplate, please, mbok, give me fried gizzard with a chilled bottle of coke.

Okoko: (Laughing mockingly at Okon-Eya]: You never gell for this our buka joint O! Madam, give Okon-Eya, a plate of Jega and electoral fraud!

Madam Sweetplate: Oga electoral fraud no cold o!

Okoko: No wahala, na him be the best sef, so that belle go full well, well.

Okon-Eya: Why do you call gizzard Jega and coke electoral fraud?

Okoko: Na gizzard be the centre, the stomach of the fowl naa. E they take everything including water, corn, stone, weed, feed and the wonderful thing about it is that, it would still produce result with them. Na so electoral system of Naija be, every vote counts including under age, over age, and even palm kennel print, all of them are used to give result. Nigeria electoral result na fowl shit. If you come drink coke add am na so your belle go swell like say you chop all Madam Sweetplate food, but all na deception, complete fraud!

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